I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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