We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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