Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
