I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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