Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
