You just made me feel so damn special
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
