i used baking grease as lip gloss
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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