Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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