I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
