If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
True strength comes from lack of pants
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
