Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
