i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
