You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
