i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
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We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
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i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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