That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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