I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
