I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
