just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
