as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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