Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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