apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
