At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
