I look better un-naked...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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