I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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