They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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