Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
