found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
