Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
