We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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