this beer tastes like vomit already
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
