People in love make me want to vomit
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
