I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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