Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
