is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
