Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
