I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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