Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Randomize
