Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
