I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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