how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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