This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
