dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
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Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
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Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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