I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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