The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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