the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
