There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
