I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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