I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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