somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
