I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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