When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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