Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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