why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
We smell like vodka and hangover
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