ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
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He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
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Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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