i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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