I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
