Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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